Bachelor’s Turkey

In order to best horrify every person who has ever been responsible for a Thanksgiving meal, I thought I’d give the recipe which I just followed for the preparation of a turkey.

1) Go into the supermarket. Notice that a whole turkey is selling for fortynine cents a pound

2) Realize that this makes it the cheapest source of protein available.

3) Buy a 14-pounder.

4) Take it home, leaving it in the backseat of a friend’s car for a few hours along the way

5) Leave it on the counter for an hour

6) Take off the plastic coating

7) Put it in the shower for an hour with the water at lukewarm

8) Preheat oven to 250 degrees

9) Place the whole bird in the oven, to facilitate the thawing process

10) About two hours later, turn off the oven to go hang out with a friend. Leave the bird to relax.

11) An hour later come back and remove the intestines

12) Heat over to 400 degrees

13) Let bird cook, checking about every half an hour to see if the thermometer’s gone up

14) A few hours later, realize the thermometer’s gone up. Take turkey out of the oven.

15) Immediately use both hands to rip it apart (desensitivity to heat due to blacksmithing a plus here)

16) Remove neck segments from chest cavity where they were hiding; place in stockpot

17) Remove skin and bones; place in stockpot

18) Remove all pieces of meat that have been essentially freeze-dried by cooking process (tips of wings); add to stockpot

19) Add a gallon or two of water to stockpot; start it a-boilin’. To make stock. For some reason.

20) Take remainder meat (~8-10lbs); be shocked to your soul that it’s actually quite moist and flavorful

21) Freeze most of it, because you don’t really like roasted meat


Serves ALL.


~ by davekov on 12 November 2011.

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