In Post-Apocalyptic Primary, Republicans Still Without Nominee

by David Axel Kurtz, staff writer

NOVEMBER 28, 2011, 9:52 PM

IN THE THREE YEARS since the election of Barack Obama ushered in the End Times, the Republican party has been beset by challenges. Their electoral platform of tax cuts may not be feasible in what many are comparing to a recession economy. Their foreign policy is seen by many as having caused two unending wars. Now the transmutation of their presidential hopefuls into horrors from beyond time and space has some pundits considering whether they have what it takes to win the White House.

Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts and formerly among the living, has particular obstacles to overcome. His all-consuming hunger for brains has done nothing to change public perceptions that he is wishy-washy, even untrustworthy. His public appearances, once noted for their wit and energy, have become more and more dominated by the lurching stagger and glassy-eyed torpor that characterized the Gore campaign of 2000. Rumors that he has been receiving special dispensation from voodoo priests of the Louisiana swamplands remain uncorroborated, although the sudden number of old Haitian men in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has not gone unnoticed in Salt Lake City.

It has been noted that Romney has more to lose in this campaign than other nomination hopefuls, as the decay of his corpse seems to be slowed only by receiving the praise and admiration of registered American voters. Our lead corpse-dessication expert, Dr. Topher “Bones” Garcia, has reported that only 22% of Romney’s body is currently in a state of what we would call non-necrosis. This with a margin or error of +-4%, which Dr. Garcia says is equivalent to about twelve electoral votes or two fingers.

John Huntsman, former Utah governor and US Ambassador to China, has been drawing criticism for what many on the Left refer to as his “lunar-cycle-dominated transformations into a lupine killing machine.” His recent consumption of twelve co-eds in an orgy of blood and talons is being considered one of the great gaffes of this election season, second only to Rick Perry’s attempt to name three government agencies. His experience in dealing with China has led some to condemn him as, not a true werewolf, but rather a “chiang-shih,” allegations which Huntsman has dismissed as “AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” The NRA has declared Huntsman their favorite in the primary, although their endorsement of his candidacy is dependent on his changing his position on silver bullets, a move which his press secretary says is being given “thoughtful consideration.”

Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, has had his meteoric rise checked after being hit by a meteor. While he remained  miraculously unscathed, this has generated considerable media speculation that his days of dallying with astronomical transients are not behind him. A former member of his secretarial staff has recently revealed that she is in fact a 400kg lump of ferrous ore, raising further suspicion in the minds of a nation too used to metallurgic scandals among its leaders. With Halley’s Comet now alleging a 76-year affair with the millionaire restauranteur, it seems to many that his career in politics has ended even before it began.

Newt Gingrich has been the leader in many straw polls conducted by major media outlets, but many wonder if this is based simply on name recognition or his newfound vampirism. While even veteran reporters have cracked a smile at his folksy Transylvanian accent or jokes about shopping for capes on Black Friday, some wonder if he has what it takes to prove that there can be “second acts” for American politicians. His three ex-wives have been unwilling to endorse his ambitions, even though he has reportedly promised them eternal life and starring roles in White House shadowcasts of that one Buffy musical episode. His recent pledge that he will save social security while still cutting taxes has drawn even less praise than his pledge to make every American sparkle like Edward, probably because both are clearly bullshit.

Ron Paul’s transformation into a djinn has put him in serious conflict with his son Rand, whose bravery in admitting that he has for years been a closeted dybbuk earned him lauds on both sides of the aisle. While Paul Senior has been going from state to state, hoping that someone uses their Three Wishes to ask for a world where a return to the gold standard isn’t completely pants-on-head retarded, Rand has been tirelessly campaigning on behalf of dybbuk rights. His recent declaration in support of President/Lich King Obama on the issue of shapeshifters in the military has made many question if the father of such a son is conservative enough for the Republican base. Ron’s tepid declaration in favor of golems did little to endear himself to Southern voters; in the words of the man known popularly as Joe the Pagan, “Mysterious creatures from traditional ethnic folktales have no place in This Man’s Army.” He added, “especially if they’re also gay and Jewish.”

Mecha Donald Trump remains aloof from the primary, which some denizens of the blogosphere predict is part of a larger strategy to enter the race as a third-party mecha-candidate. This plan might be thwarted by news that his hairpiece has just declared that it will be running as a Libertarian. The Libertarians could not be reached for comment as they have all been hiding in their survival shelters in Montana since well before the first sign of the apocalypse. The hairpiece’s choice of Zombie Thomas Eagleton (Z-MO) as its running mate has raised some eyebrows, this despite its declaration that it is “behind Eagleton one million billion percent” – though fifty percent of that belongs to Ivanka.

No noticeable change has been observed in Michele Bachmann.

With a sitting President, a fractious base, and the imminent destruction of the world, the Republican party is certainly in a very tough position. Yet the GOP has long been the party of surprise upsets and powerful comebacks. Some analysts expect that the emergence of an energetic grass-roots movement might be enough to win them back the Oval Office. But with the Tea Party too busy performing exorcisms, and the Swift Boat Veterans burning in hell like they deserve, we are left to wonder what surprises await us in the 300-odd days left before Obama gets re-elected in a landslide.

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~ by davekov on 28 November 2011.

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