The OKCupid Text Adventure

***********************

Welcome to OKCupid!

***********************

Would you like to:
-> BEGIN an adventure
-> STALK your exes

:BEGIN

What is your name?

:Jane Doe

What is your social security number (just for verification purposes)?

:138 56 2702

What would you like your username to be?
->JANEDOE138562702
->xxSEXYJANEDOExx
->OTHER

:OTHER

Welcome, OTHER. We think your username is original and attractive!
You may change it at any time for a fee of $43.

Now it’s time to choose your race!
->ELF
->ORC
->ELF BY DAY, ORC BY NIGHT
->PLAYER CHARACTER OF COLOR (PCoC)
->ASIAN/PACIFIC ISLANDER
->OTHERKIN
…this information is collected for statistical purposes only.

:HALF-ELF

MOTHER’S side or FATHER’S side?

:MOTHER’S

According to the elfish religion, you count as a FULL ELF.
(Mellon tov!)

Now it’s time to choose your class!
->MALE
->FEMALE
At this time, OKCupid does not support mixed classes.

:FEMALE

And what class are you most interested in… ah… adventuring with?
->MALE
->FEMALE
->BOTH
->C# PROGRAMMERS WHO SPIN FIRE POI
->STARBUCK FROM BSG

:it’s a bit more complicated than that

Don’t worry! You’ll have plenty of time to talk more about what you want when you’re writing your character background which nobody will read. But to make things simpler, please slot your sexuality into one of these predetermined categories.

:…BOTH

Your skeptical ellipsis has been noted by our wacky helper bots!
(They’re very wacky.)

Now it’s time to upload a photograph!
Please choose the path to your best picture.

:c:\user\janedoe\my pictures\profilepic.jpg

I’m sorry, due to popular demand, OKCupid does not support nonfree operating systems.
Please wait while our wacky freetard ninjas install Linux on your computer.

:hold on

:stop

:STOP

Done! Thanks for your patience, $OTHER!

While your picture is uploading, here are some fun statistics about OKCupid:
43% of all user pictures are over two years old
31% of all user pictures are of Ryan Gosling
61% of our users will find true love through this site
98% of those have found true love before, and will find it again
52% of our users claim they are “just here for the statistics”
42% have offered us helpful suggestions about our choice of font

Your picture is uploaded, OTHER. We think it’s your best one yet!

While our wacky server monkeys are preparing your character sheet for customization (they really are just awful wacky), we’ve uploaded your basic information and picture to the web.

It has been live for three seconds.

You have 18 new messages.

:check messages

I’m sorry, I don’t understand the word “check.”
Type ‘help’ for help or ‘potato’ for potato. (WACKY.)

:read messages

REDSOX4EVAH says “hi”

FUN2DATE was wondering if you’d “ever considered being poly!!!” He has provided several helpful links to explanatory material and Livejournal.

xxSEXYJOHNSMITHxx says that he “thinks it’s relaly cool for a gay girl to also be open to guys, that’s really cool”

TVFAN90210 says that “lol whyd a pretty lady like u not have a filled out profile, i bet ur keeping secrets lol”

SMARMADON wants you to know that he is “not a player, only looking for real comitmment and love”

HANNELOREEC would like you to know that you have a typo in line 3 of your LinkedIn profile. She has now blocked you.

THECOLOSSUS directs you to his username with a telling wink.

REDSOX4EVAH says “hi”

xxRUNCIBLExx says that you “look like you’re the sort of person who, when growing up, knew the importance of Tiny Toon Adventures.” He has provided a helpful link to his archive of Tiny Toon fanfiction.

PRISM wonders if you are “planning any terrorism.”

C14L1SDEALER would like to interest you in “cheap Canadian cialis… 100% legit… tinyurl.com/2g9mqh”

CONFUTATISMALEDICTUS would like you to know that he “just got out of a very manipulative and abusive relationship with a woman who he’s pretty sure has narcissistic personality disorder and is a whore” but that “he’s totally over her now.”

TYLERDURDEN would like you to know that he is “so stoked he got such a cool username.”

FEMINISTJACK would like you to know that he “thinks going down on a woman is not just a privilege, it is a duty.” Also he is “very good at it. Like, as good as a chick.”

LORDBRITISH would like you to know that he’s been to OUTER SPACE.

MITGRAD42 has sent you a program, written in Common LISP, which when executed will cause your sound card to play “Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady.” Followed by “Gangnam Style.”

REDSOX4EVAH says “ok you are clearly a bicht by”

:edit user information

I’m sorry, I don’t understand that command.

:EDIT USER INFORMATION

Okay, fine! Sheesh!

Would you like to change your:
->RACE
->CLASS
->class ORIENTATION

:ORIENTATION

Let me guess: you’re here to go from “bi” to “gay”?

:CORRECT A MUNDO

Our wacky statistician bots are not at all surprised.

You have had 5 new visitors!

KATIEKATIEBOBATIE is a 21-year-old with four kids. Her WoW character is one of the mightiest in Azeroth. You are a 98% match!

SAWOMANTHA is an 18-year-old college student who is tired of being locked up/down by the heteronormative patriarchy that won’t accept who she truly is. She has never kissed a girl before. You are a 95% match!

HARRIETPOTTER is a 31-year-old artist who makes steampunk jewelry. She’s looking for a woman who likes candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and cosplaying as twins at anime cons. All her pictures include her husband. You are a 97% match!

INARASERRA is a 23-year-old professional musician. She plays the theremin, harpsichord, and subatomic nano-xylophone. She’s fun, smart, energetic, and knows how to communicate. She’s in an open relationship with FUN2DATE… and 6 other people. You are a 99% match!

ALIAJ is a 27-year-old computer programmer. She has a cat named Simon who she probably spends too much time with. She likes rock climbing and has started to get into parkour. She’d really like to meet someone who’s fun to travel with. You are a 22% match.

Would you like to POKE any one of these characters?

:POKE ALIAJ

Are you sure? A match rating of 22% pretty much guarantees that she is a serial murderer who is currently, right now, on fire.

:GODDAMIT POKE ALIAJ

You have poked ALIAJ.

ALIAJ has poked you back.

Do you:
->POKE her again (cumulative 5% chance of descending into Escher-space)
->Message her about how WACKY all this poking is
->WAIT and hope that she takes the initiative (cumulative 5% chance of dying alone)
->INTRODUCE yourself

:INTRODUCE

ALIAJ says, “hi there you have a totoaly great profile lol i had to get my friends to write min i am so bad at this”

Do you:
->Comment on her lack of PUNCTUATION
->Accuse her of FALSE REPRESENTATION
->Look at her PICTURES and see how hot she is

:…

That’s not an option.

:…

Time’s wasting.

:PICTURES

You open her pictures. She has… extremely high charisma. Even if that bikini cannot possibly give much bonus to armor class.

Do you:
->Tell her that you’re NOT INTERESTED
->Flirt with her SHAMELESSLY

:…THE SECOND OPTION

You ask her what it’s like working as a computer programmer. Because you’re clearly so fascinated by that. Our wacky judgment bots see what you’re doing. WACKY BOTS SEE ALL.

ALIAJ says, “yeah i totaly want to work in web design thats what i went 2 school 4. i program in htlm and a little java lol”

Do you:
->Point out in a joking fashion that you’re pretty sure HTML is not considered a programming language
->Point out that neither of those are really programming languages… because you’re sure she meant “JavaScript”
->Politely inform her that you don’t think she’s quite what you’re looking for
->Block her immediately.
->Tell her you’d love to hear more about it… over dinner.

:…GO BACK TO HER PICTURES

Her pictures have not changed. She remains incredibly hot.
Your BETTER JUDGMENT is being compromised by her BOTTOM.

:…IGNORE BETTER JUDGMENT

Are you sure you want to do that?

:DISREGARD JUDGMENT; ACQUIRE BOTTOM

And what would you like to do with your PRIDE?
->RESPECT
->SWALLOW

:SWALLOW PRIDE

You ask her out for drinks and dinner at a restaurant near your place. She says she’ll be there. She can’t wait to tell you all about her cat!

But it’s OK; you met online. She doesn’t even know your real name. It doesn’t count. And anyway, it’s just one date.

You close your eyes and think about the sort of adventures you two might have together.

Maybe it’ll take more than one date…

You have been killed by a grue.

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~ by davekov on 8 July 2013.

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