@hardscifigames

Tweetscrape of @HardSciFiGames – seeing your favorite games in the blinding light of Science

A race of insectoid aliens rushes against fixed positions. No human counterattack is required.

In Paris, street mimes are murdering rich industrialists. The Sixth Republic is nigh.

Alucard and Warluigi meet at a karaoke bar when both want to perform “Boy Named Sue”

Balls of goo become the required construction material after the engineering professor’s wife leaves him

A pirate captain finds three barrels of rum floating in the ocean. His crew use his head for beer pong.

The locks at Arkham Aslyum are improved. Batman sues for restraint of trade.

The trailer for the new game by Quantic Dream features 100% real gameplay footage. The universe collapses.

The police in 1940s Los Angeles conduct complex interrogations of criminals before shooting them

The mafia in Stilwater have you prove your worth by spraying liquid fecal matter on passers-by. People are glad when the Russians take over.

A commando communes with his dead wife’s soul trapped in his bionic arm. This is the best he can think up when caught jerking off at work.

Despite the technological advances it showcases, Assassin’s Creed: Mitochondrial Eve is not among Abstergo’s bestsellers

A spelunker must avoid angry skeletons. When he realizes that these are undoubtedly the remains of former spelunkers, he changes careers.

A pirate captain searches the Caribbean for sixteen Mayan stelae. He comes up sixteen short.

A young man is chased through the streets of Florence. Perhaps the world was not yet ready for the hoodie.

A young girl is dressed like a cupcake to be sacrificed to a giant Shirley Jackson.

A young boy is raised by an overprotective artificial intelligence. He spends his life with a consuming fetish for Windows error messages.

A person can only move in time to chiptune music. She is encouraged to take less molly.

A submissive lesbian boot fetishist is able to jump in midair, assuming her mistress tells her how high.

A creature made entirely of meat is able to jump great distances. He is a human being.

A wandering soul gets a job as the janitor in a seaside diner. One year passes. He has been promoted to night dishwasher.

A heavy metal roadie finds guitar strings that cause fire to spew in every direction. At his next job, he makes sure his amps are grounded.

The French government is dominated by an ancient secret society dedicated to inefficient governance.

A boy must transport grog that is so acidic it can eat through a pewter tankard. He calls it Belgian-style and serves it for $12 a glass.

A former prostitute opens a brothel catering to intellectual lusts. It fails.

Every time a man gets nervous he must take a pill or begin hallucinating. He spends 30 Days A-Detoxifyin’

A nameless man covers himself in tattoos. He must wear long-sleeve shirts to job interviews.

A man repeatedly calls for Jason. People wonder if he is a performance artist, as his actions are unrealistic.

A robot has to solve a series of puzzles made of gears and cogs. This is like a person solving puzzles made of fingers and kidneys.

The kid’s wandering around a decaying city with his own personal narrator. People see him and wish they could afford the suburbs.

A man is a time traveler, a guilty husband, the father of the atomic bomb, and off his thorazine.

Muscular men with rabbit ears run around rural campsites. They stop at a winery on their way back to San Francisco.

A border guard must check people’s papers. It never gets harder.

Russia invades America. Their invasion fleet makes it almost out of port.

China invades America. While they are out, Taiwan conquers China.

Japan invades America. The economy promptly stagflates.

America invades everyone else. The only people who are surprised are Americans.

A member of the aristocracy forfeits his dukedom to become a soldier of the nuclear age. He is rapidly promoted and never sees combat.

A soldier in Nam finds out that his big boss is in bed with the enemy. He reads about it in the Washington Post.

A girl with a thimble on her finger can bend the very fabric of quilts and afghans.

An artificial intelligence is reduced to portable size. It retains the ability to both multiply and divide.

A young Pokemon trainer catches a Spearow. The flock descends upon him, leaving little to bury.

A stranger awakens on a mysterious island. He makes a raft out of driftwood and is never heard from again.

A stranger is trapped on beautiful islands covered in strange writing. He is a computational linguist, and escapes in an hour.

A young boy wants to be the world’s greatest pirate. As he has a fifth-grade education, he succeeds.

Life is a roguelike. Civilization is a level editor.

A summer camp where parents can send their psychic children is closed by Social Services.

Four strangers fight there way through a Louisiana bayou full of zombies. The Mardi Gras Massacre makes international news.

A spelunker carefully judges the distance of a fall, making sure it will not kill him. It only breaks both his legs.

A plumber puts on a giant raccoon suit, believing it will let him fly. He is told that it will only let him yiff.

A young boy enters people’s minds in order to solve their mental problems. He is placed with foster parents who teach him not to trepan.

A virus turns people into flesh-eating zombies. People try echinacea.

Giant rings are found to orbit distant suns. After years of toil, scientists are pretty sure they aren’t made out of selenium or boron.

Aliens return to Earth, claiming it as their homeland. The debate over adverse possession keeps academics busy for a generation.

The smallest spacecraft in the solar system is crewed by a few young miscreants. The building of the ship drained the treasury of Bolivia.

During a race, a space ships runs low on fuel. As it is on a linear trajectory, the pilots don’t care.

A troubled man encounters a creature with a pyramidal head and a giant cleaver. He pisses himself to death.

A government organization puts small digital locks on all its doors. An army private has trouble guessing the 4096-bit passcode.

A battle mech is equipped with jump jets. They allow it to jump 1.38% higher.

A space marine is issued a large and powerful rifle. In a vacuum it makes a fairly effective shillelagh.

To move as quickly as possible, a soldier uses rockets to help him jump. 100 years later, a carpenter finds his teeth a wall sconce.

A PMC issues its soldiers 30mm chain guns. After observing the effect of the recoil, the soldiers who replace them insist on rifles.

A scientist invents a weapon called a “gravity gun.” When struck by its bullet, a person falls to the ground at 32 feet per second.

A tortured man realizes that he is trapped in a sick game. He vows that, twenty years later, he will not back the sequel’s Kickstarter.

A nameless amnesiac must learn what can change the nature of a man. He discovers that conversion therapy doesn’t work.

An MIT-trained physicist swings a crowbar. He decapitates himself.

The business of Valhalla causes a Norse god to be sent to New Mexico. He sweats his balls off.

A young man’s brush with otherworldly creatures destroys his sanity. He takes two Xanax. He is still insane, but doesn’t care.

A visitor to a quiet seaside town encounters untold horrors. He refuses to pay $19 for a lobster roll.

A man in a metal power suit flies into a wall. The suit is undamaged. The man is drained out through a straw.

A knight must build his own laser sword. And then rebuild it for compatibility with every new firmware release.

A man dressed like a bat breaks into an insane asylum. He is not encouraged to break out.

A man wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland contracts radiation sickness. He visits a doctor, who buries him far away from town.

The gears of war grind heavily upon soldiers after the invention of a gun that can shoot through chest-high walls.

Small cars that shoot turtle shells at each other are among Elon Musk’s less successful ventures.

A new way to kill pigs involves throwing birds at them. It is not endorsed by Temple Grandin.

Dust storms cut the UAE off from the rest of the world. The Sultan of Dubai cuts a check for $20 billion to build an underground monorail.

Rabbits who eat a red flower turn violent. They are replaced by sloths: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phTUxH7RWBM

A person can build palaces and wonders using nothing but a pickaxe. Or they can play Minecraft.

One person must captain a starship through an encounter with hostile aliens, all while not violating the copyright of Star Trek

A plumber must rescue a princess from an army of turtles. First he must get permission from his union.

A spelunker descends into a cave in search of treasure and excitement. He grabs one gold bar and one damsel and then leaves.

Wave after wave of enemies throw themselves at a series of fixed gun emplacements. The soldiers mutiny.

A battlefield commander requires more gas to accomplish her mission. Until then, Taiwan is safe.

A battlefield commander has not enough minerals to build a military structure. Taxes are increased.

A man is transported to a world where heavy metal reigns supreme. He is glad to have visited Norway.

A starpilot must execute a complicated maneuver by dead reckoning. He misses by three million miles.

A young hacker is shown the horrific acts of an evil worldwide conspiracy. He never clicks a link on 4chan again.

A cyborg buys every nano-augmentation relating to hacking. He is able to sign up for Obamacare.

A man in a leisure suit gets into a series of farcical situations. Most involve explaining to young women what a leisure suit is.

The universe offers limitless potential and glorious variety. Everyone wants to be a Jedi.

A group of suicide bombers must strike against a group of suicide counterterrorists.

When the world is overrun with zombies, a group of strangers must fight to survive. Those with too much lag are left behind.

A woman works as an elite courier, running illegal parcels across rooftops. She is required to supply her own insurance.

A man relives the genetic memories of his ancestors. He thinks he is a baboon.

A man visits an underwater city that is filled with strange drugs and technology. He loves Amsterdam.

A guitarist must play the most complicated solos as accurately as possible. His album fails to chart.

A person gets to help every animal in town solve their problems. He regrets becoming a veterinarian.

A desert planet is obsessed with pod racing. A passing group of nobles dismisses the locals as drunken rednecks.

An elite soldier is given the codename Solid Snake. He sneaks into the command center and assassinates the guy who gives out codenames.

Two distinct groups of superheroes fight for superiority. They compare box office receipts.

A young boy goes on a quest to collect all 150 varieties of one animal. He is voted Most Likely To Become An Entomologist.

Giant monsters rise from the sea to attack the cities of the Pacific. A donation button appears on Twitter.

The finest warriors are placed in giant robotic suits of armor. The second-finest warriors buy bazookas, and evolution is thwarted.

Three distinct civilizations vie for galactic hegemony. They introduce scathing resolutions in the Security Council.

A scholar’s linking book will not take him to new worlds. He leaves his tablet with IT.

A ship’s captain begins an affair with one of her officers. She is court-martialed.

A man wakes up on a mysterious island filled with complicated puzzles. He starves to death.

A floating city above the clouds is beset by racial prejudice. The unobstructed sunlight tans the problem away.

A spacecraft fills its hold with cargo to trade in the next system. The crew’s grandchildren realize a good profit.

A handheld device opens holes that allow passage between surfaces. It is a chainsaw.

The spaceship’s lasers produce a loud electronic noise. The pilot immediately returns to base for emergency maintenance.

The rebels must attack the space station before it is fully operational. As it is a government megaproject, they have 40 years to prepare.

A spacecraft speeds towards a crate of medical products floating in zero gravity. The impact causes hull damage.

A physicist is told to put a mineral sample into a giant spectrometer. He forwards the email to a grad student.

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~ by davekov on 9 March 2014.

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